Dear Chat-A-Lot,

There are just some things that people shouldn't talk about in public and on a bus full of people that they have never met before. This is particularly true if you are having a phone sex conversation with your significant other and can't seem to keep quiet about it.

Now I'm sure that you're a really nice woman. You seemed to be dressed nicely, what with your corporate businesswoman attire. The short black heels were obviously for comfortable as well as fashion, the black hose, the black shirt and the buttoned up blouse. You were very well put together. I almost thought that I was hearing things. Until I turned around and realized that yes indeed that all the phone sex talk was coming from you.

I mean, it was enough to have me turning red and you carried on the conversation as if you did it often on the bus (perhaps you do?). People around you (and myself) seemed quite uncomfortable with it though. There was a woman who was coughing loudly when you attempted to murmur the phrase 'Are you coming yet for me, baby?' as if to get your attention that you were, in fact, on public transit!

Obviously it is a good thing that you're comfortable in your relationship with your significant other that you can engage in a session of phone sex. But on the bus? I mean, all those things you were telling him to do (eg. 'Go pull the zipper down now babe, yeah.. That's it.. And put your hand there.. And just go slow...'). Whew... Was it hot on the bus today or was it just me?

And I do realize that you were attempting to murmur your directions to him, but the thing is, lady, that you were on a bus where there was the sounds of outside traffic and the bus' engine. You were not doing a very good job of murmuring at all! I'm sure that you thought that you were though. But you just weren't doing a very good job of it at all.

Maybe next time.. Just don't do it on the bus? (Yes, that was an intentional pun.) If you must engage in a phone sex conversation where you were giving your significant other directions of when they should be touching themselves and how hard they should be holding onto themselves, don't do it on public transit? Maybe wait until you get home. Or dash into a public washroom somewhere. Or even in an empty elevator! Just watch out for those that have security cameras, wouldn't want the security guard getting on you telling someone what to do with themselves.

But for all that effort you put into directing the man on the other half of the conversation, I hope he did eventually, you know, come.