Dear Snot-Girl,

I was on the train yesterday when I noticed you. There wasn't anything particularly odd about you when I first noticed you. Until I realized what exactly you were doing.

Because, honestly, it's hard not to notice a girl talking on her cell phone with a finger sticking straight up her nose.

I averted my eyes at first, looking out the window, until out of the corner of my eye, I saw what you were doing once your finger left your nose. You continued talking on the phone, wiped your finger on the empty seat next to you, glanced down at your finger and then back in it went into your nose.

Which is disgusting. What if someone had done the same thing to the seat you were sitting in? Are you trying to spread germs? (Not that germs really need any help!) But it is just bad practice to pick your nose in public and then wipe it onto a surface that other people will touch. Have you heard of tissues? Or perhaps your own clothes that you will be wearing that are already exposed to all the pathogens that could be in your own mucous? Did you consider that?

Because, in case you haven't known, some people with comprised immune systems or chronic immune disorders are incredibly bad with common ailments that your immune system (or mine) could knock out in under a day. Some people with comprised immune systems can die from really common things, like a seasonal flu (or H1N1) or the common cold.

And, considering the statistics textbook and the school planner you were carrying, I'm guessing you were at least in 2nd year university.

Which means that you should know better. A lot better.

Sincerely,
Girl with better social skills

Dear "Yoga" Girl,

You got onto the bus today with your friend. You were carrying your backpack and a rolled up yoga mat and your friend commented that she didn't realize that you did yoga now. Imagine my surprise when I heard you speaking from the seat in front of me.

Girl: Oh, I don't actually do yoga.
Friend: Then why do you have a mat?
G: Because a lot more guys hit on me when I've got it.
F: *surprised* Seriously? How did you find that out?
G: Well you know X? She carries one and she always has hot guys talking to her.
F: But she actually does yoga!
G: Well, how will anyone ever know that I don't?
F: Good point!

Really? You carry around an object, albeit a light and fairly compacted object, just to attract the attentions of guys? What happens if one of them happens to do yoga as well and asks you where you do it? What happens if one of them wants to know where you go to do yoga so they can sign up for a class as well? What happens if someone asks you for recommendations for places to buy yoga mats or asks you which is the best instructor you've had so far?

Do you not think things through when you decide on a really weird scheme?

Perhaps I'm just odd, but I really don't see the point of making up such a lie (with props, no less!) in order to get guys to like you. If they decide to hit on you just because of your yoga mat, are they just as likely to hit on you if you didn't have it with you? Perhaps they would have spoken to you anyways, regardless of that rolled up mat that you've got with you. Perhaps they would have wanted to talk to you and find something out about you that is true.

What will happen if one of these guys who will hit on you (allegedly) because you have a yoga mat with you decides to ask you out on a date? What happens if this relationship becomes remotely casually-serious? Are you going to tell them that you've just decided to stop going to yoga or are you going to fess up to this stupid lie that you've concocted?

Because really, I want to know how you think this will play out.

Sincerely,
Girl without a yoga mat

Dear Cheap Idiot,

So I was sitting near the back of the bus today, minding my own business when you and your friends started to talk. At first, the conversation (which was loud, by the way - I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I bet the bus driver could have heard your annoying giggling and chatter) was boring. Talks of grad dinner/dance, dresses, shoes. It's September, kids, you have a lot of time. Then you moved onto your newest hobby.

Or rather, what your sister's friend's boyfriend (I think I got that right?) had for a new hobby: screenprinting. And you mentioned how he'd made your sister the "coolest shirt in the world" and how he had all this fancy equipment and inks and such. And.... "He'll totally make you guys shirts for like a buck. I'll give you guys his number, just call him up."

Really? Your sister receives a gift and you seem to feel as if it's a green light to pimp him out for $1 per shirt? Go do yourself a favour and look up how much screenprinting equipment runs for, how much the inks and catalyst and such cost, retail price. Please, go see that and then recant what you said and apologize to your sister's friend's boyfriend for being an idiot of epic proportions.

Also, please don't hatch up half-brained money-making schemes on public transit. It makes you and your friends look absolutely moronic. Considering you were going on about how you were going to ask your boyfriend's friend if he'd make you a website for "like, a dollar an hour, probably" and how you were going to sell those 'super cheap' screenprinted shirts for "at least" $30/each.

If your sister's friend's boyfriend and your boyfriend's friend are stupid enough to actually give in to your demands, you're incredibly lucky. But, since chances are they won't be so easy to let you walk all over them in favour of monetary gain... Go get a paper route or a part time or something instead of using others.

Sincerely,
Annoyed

Dear Smelly, Space Invader ,

This morning I was on my way from school to the crafts store (I ran out of materials, yet again). I took an unfamiliar bus that, thankfully, the bus driver could tell me exactly which stop I wanted to get off on and in which direction to walk in order to get to my destination - the driver even took the time to tell me how to get to the nearest train station, how nice! But I sat down at the beginning of the bus route and you got on maybe about fifteen minutes later. Perhaps it's because you didn't feel like walking all the way to the back of the bus, or perhaps it's because there was an empty seat next to me and I'm a fairly small person so you thought you could just take up the space, and then some.

Either way, you ended up sitting next to me. You grunted hello at me before you pulled out today's paper to read. And it wasn't even one of those small freebie papers that you get at train stations (I get those for the Soduku puzzles and local news), no, it had to be one of those national papers that has sections A to E and takes up about a metre of space.

Which placed your hand neatly right in front of my face.

And do I even need to comment on your personal hygiene? Because, forgive me, it seems like it would be common sense to bathe either once in a while or at the very least go for a flea dip before going onto public transit and taking up more space that one ought to be allowed.

When I asked you to move your hand/arm from the general area in front of my face, you just rolled your eyes and muttered something about "little girls not knowing their place" and how "no one respects their elders anymore".

Well, sir, perhaps if you appeared to be elderly, I would have been a bit nicer. But really, you looked at most to be early 40s. Plus you were rude and invading my personal space.

So no, mister, I don't think I will be very 'respectful' to you.

Sincerely,
Little girl, who does know her place