Dear Girl with Rose-Coloured Glasses,

I wasn't feeling particularly down or up today. But you came over and sat down next to me and asked me if I wanted to be your friend.

Now if I were to receive the exact same question from someone who looked like they were in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 60s or if they were male and a teenager, I'd probably wrinkle my nose in disgust and attempt to be polite in my declination of their offer.

But since I recognized (and knew!) the woman who was with you (Your 'au pair', I think she said she was? Whatever.). And she said it was okay to talk to me. And you're like... 4-5 and cute as a button. So of course when you asked to be my friend, I said "yes".

Of course, this was a really awkward conversation in that you're kind of young and you're kind of silly at times. Like for instance when you were telling me about this really super icky and gross boy that you know from school/pre-school. Because all he ever does is pull on your hair and try to trip you and then you said the funniest thing.

"I'm not going to date him, you know, that boy? He thinks I'm going to, but I'm not. Because when you date someone, you're practically married, you know. And you have to let them hold your hand and you have to let them kiss you or else they won't let you use their credit card to go shopping with. And I don't want to get married to anyone until I'm at least ten."

Do you realize how difficult it was for me not to laugh at that? I suggested waiting until you were at least twenty and then you asked how many fingers that was. Oh boy.

And really? All you have to do is hold their hand and let them kiss you from time to time and you get to use their credit card? Really? And I bet you think unicorns come into your backyard at night and that elves make your Christmas presents still. You'll learn.

But you know what? It's okay. Because when you're ten, you're going to realize that no one your age is getting married (not in this country, anyways). When you get to middle school, dating is like a contact sport. You touch someone and you're suddenly dating and it lasts for like... a week. A month, tops. Wait until high school, then you'll see that it gets a little bit more intense.

But I have to say... I never considered being fully reliant on someone as a life's goal. And I hope that changes for you. And that you don't become a gold digger, because that's not really that attractive.

Sincerely,
Over 10, but not married

Dear Saturday Stranger,

I generally don't take public transit on weekends if I can avoid it. If I can avoid it, I'll get a ride from someone or I'll drive myself. Then again, getting home from the public library when I had no clue where my personal chauffeur was is kind of tricky. And I wasn't about to trek home in the rain so... I took the bus.

I'm sitting down and about to get off at my regular stop. The bus is about to pull to my stop so I get up and walk to the door and then suddenly there's someone tapping my shoulder. Which was you. I was about to tell you off since I'd just about had it up to here with guys and public transit and the propositioning for sexual favours just three feet away from the bus driver and everyone else on the bus.

And you're holding out a cell phone.

Correction: you're holding out my cell phone.

Guess it's a good thing that I didn't bite your head off for touching me, eh?

And thank you so much for getting my cell phone back to me before I got off the bus. It probably wouldn't have been a very good thing if you or anyone else kept it. Just saying...

Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Girl who is not quite surgically attached to her cell phone.

Dear Munchkin,

I got on the bus fairly late this morning. I sat down in the second-to-last seat available on my way to school. Then you come running onto the bus, your mom right behind you, and you pull yourself up onto the seat next to me and you promptly fall right into me when the bus pulls away from the curb. You mumbled that you are really, really 'sowwie' and then sit back up properly again. Your mom sets a huge bag in front of you and she's standing there holding onto the pole.

You ask her for aww-paws and she pulls an apple for you and hands it to you.

You wave it around and ask her to 'start it' for you. It's not a practice that I'm familiar with and I noticed that she took the apple from you, took a bite out of it, then handed it back to you. Oh, that's what you meant by starting it for you.

Then you're happily munching on what's possibly the smallest apple in the history of ripe apples and then you look up and me and just go:

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

I laughed and said that I try to avoid dating people when I don't even know their names.

So you introduced yourself.

I also mentioned that I didn't even know how old you were so you held up three fingers. And asked if I wanted to be your girlfriend because everyone at preschool has a girlfriend.

Even the girls? I asked and you just nodded your head as you took another bite out of the apple.

I politely declined and you looked downcasted before you looked up at your mom and went 'All done!' and handed her the apple core. You quickly forgot about the rejection that you received by the random person that you happened to fall into and sit next to on the bus on a dreary Friday morning.

I think you're going to be a heartbreaker one day - but maybe you should consider introducing yourself before asking any girl if they want to be your girlfriend (even if everyone else at preschool has one).

Sincerely,
Girl who can start her apples by herself

Dear Prepubescent Jerk,

I encounter a lot of stupid people on public transit. I encounter a lot of creepy older men, a lot of moronic people who make me very happy that there's such a thing as Natural Selection. Very happy.

This morning, I got onto the bus and instead of sitting near the back of the bus like I normally do - I was sitting on the left side of the bus, completely minding my own business (trying to ignore and drown on the excessive giggler) and then suddenly the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road and got out of his seat and told you to haul your ass off of the bus.

I was a little confused and people kind of fell silent. And I removed the earphones to better hear what the bus driver was bitching about. Were you smoking on the bus? Visibly drinking alcohol?

And then I saw it.

Really, did you really have to jerk off on the bus? Because, to be perfectly honest, that's really rather disgusting considering it was rolling down the window next to where you were sitting. Rolling. Down. The. Fucking. Window.

I mean, kid, just go home and do it in your bedroom or in the bathroom. You don't need to do it on public transit. I mean, maybe it helps with the whole "Ooooh, what if I get caught?" scenario. But when you're jerking off in public and it gets all over the window, it's disgusting. And indecent. And you could have been charged with public indecency.

Go home and do it in the privacy of your own home next time. Mmkay?

And I'll be making a mental note never to sit near the front of the bus on the right hand side of the bus ever again (for that route, anyways).

Sincerely,
Disgusted

Dear Excessive Giggler,

Do you realize how fucking annoying it is to be sitting on the bus, listening to music at a fairly moderate level (just enough to drown on the inane chattering that's going on on the bus but not so high that I can't hear emergency vehicles driving pass when they have sirens on) and then you come onto the bus. It's not my fault that the only available seat left when I got onto the bus was one near the back doors. It's also not my fault that you couldn't get a seat.

But did you really have to fucking to start giggling at every single little thing that your friend said?

The new Vancouver mayor. Giggle.
The new president. Giggle
The morning paper you had in your hand. Giggle.
The bus coming to a sudden stop. Giggle.
The other bus patrons wanting to come onto the bus, pushing by you. Giggle.

Fucking hell, woman. Could you have just stayed silent for one moment? No, of course not. I turn up the volume on my music and I could still fucking hear you.

Next time that I see you, I swear someone on the bus (maybe it'll be me, maybe it won't be) will duct tape your mouth shut.

Sincerely,
Annoyed

Dear Moronic Bitch,

Today, I was in the only line for the bus that I take. The. Only. Line.

The bus rolls up and people start filing on. I was third in line. To be fair I was actually the first person at the bus stop, I just didn't join into the line until the other two people showed up. You showed up maybe two minutes before the bus rolls up. You're somewhere by the garbage can (perhaps you should have stayed there...?) and then you go to the very front of the line - despite the fact that there's approximately 15+ people in the line behind me waiting to get onto the bus.

The guy in front of me steps onto the bus. That's fine, he was ahead of them. Then you step right in front of me and I take a step forward to go onto the bus and then you turn around, glare at me and call me a cunt for trying to 'butt in line' ahead of you. And then you go onto this whole spiel of how "preteen girls need to learn to show respect to their elders".

Seriously? Seriously?

Eighteen is not "preteen". Preteen is generally a term reserved for 11 and 12 year olds. And if you really want anyone to show you some respect, maybe you ought to show some common courtesy for the rest of the people in the world. Like... getting in line. And waiting. Just like everyone else. Plus, calling someone a cunt for wanting to get onto the bus when they were waiting in line long before you were in the line is a very rude thing to say.

So no... I don't really feel that bad for calling you a moronic bitch today. I should feel bad for it. If it were anyone else, I probably would. But I don't really feel bad about it at all.

Sincerely,
Annoyed

P.S. Readers, this lovely woman appeared to approximately mid-30s/early-40s. Really, show respect for that? No, thank you.

Dear Cat Lady,

It's Friday! It's the last day of the school/work week (for most people) and it is definitely a reason to celebrate. But imagine to my surprise when I woke up as the bus was pulling into a stop to pick up people and you walked on. You seemed to be struggling with a large cardboard box, so a man helped you carry it onto the bus. You had a ragged looking grey sweater that had a lot of holes in them and a large bag that jingled because you had a bell on the strap.

And then the meowing started.

You sat down and opened up your box and I peered over, only because I was curious. I was more than a little shocked to see maybe a dozen or more kittens in your box. You turned to the person who was sitting next to you and went "Say, would you like a kitty? Only thirty dollars each!"

I was more than a little disgusted that you were carting around a box that was over-crowded with kittens and they didn't seem to have a food dish or a water dish. You pulled out one with grey and white stripes and held the kitten out to the person on your other side and went "Look how adorable it is! Only thirty dollars!"

Eventually, you realized that there were no takers on the bus for random kittens and then you got off at another stop, dragging the box along with you and then, as the bus was about to pull away, you were sitting there at the stop. On top of the box. You were sitting on top of the cardboard box. That got rained on a little. You were sitting on top of a damp cardboard box that was holding at least a dozen kittens.

Stupidity is your strong suit.

Please don't ever have kittens in your possession again.

Sincerely,
Amateur animal activist