Dear Mellow Teen,

I saw you on the bus last Tuesday while I was on my way to school. You sat down on the bench seat across from me. I knew you were probably supposed to be at school already, since it was past 9am already. You dropped a backpack on the seat next to you and you start pulling out your materials.

A small baggie full of... dried leaves. A bunch of papers for rolling. A lighter.

You didn't even look up at me, or make eye contact with anyone else for the matter, as you started rolling up the first joint.

A small fold, a little tuck of the 'leaves' into place, roll roll roll and then with a swift lick, you 'seal' up the long edge and fold in the ends. And then repeat until you had five done. Then you tucked everything away and pulled out your phone to make arrangements to 'meet-up' and you told the person you were with to 'bring the cash' for what you had.

I have nothing against entrepreneurship. I really don't. However, I think there is a time and a place for everything. And the time and place to prepare your merchandise should probably not be on public transit (where there are security cameras and microphones - if the signs on board of the bus are anything to go by). And the transit cops are actual police officers with actual handcuffs and guns and whatnot. So... Probably not the best of ideas. At all.

I can think of a million things I'd rather do on public transit before rolling up joints and making arrangements to sell them. Such as... taking a nap, listening to music, texting people on my phone, reading notes for a upcoming test (let's face it - I always have an upcoming test!), twiddling my thumbs... All of which would come before being caught via audio visual equipment dealing drugs on the phone. It's really not worth your future (in getting real job) to be doing such things (on public transit and otherwise).

Sincerely,
Girl was listening to music (and texting people)

Dear Finite Girl

I'm sure you're not a stupid girl. But I'm being very generous when I say this because I overheard this conversation that you were having with your friend on the train. She was showing off her new tattoo and you had the most pathetic exchange of words.

Y= You, F = Your Friend

Y: Why'd you get the number 8 tattooed onto yourself?
F: It's the infinity symbol.
Y: No, that's an 8.

See, you can't be that unintelligent if you're capable of realizing that it appears to be the number 8. Right...? But what you failed to notice (and what I did see) was that she was holding out her arm to show you the tattoo on her wrist. And one could say that it was an sideways 8 (if they were you) or they could say that it was an infinity symbol (∞) if you were anyone else.

But you looked to be about in high school, considering your biology 11 textbook (so why were you on the train at 1:20pm on a school day?), so you *probably should have recognized* that it had the possibility of an infinity symbol, especially when your friend corrected you.

But hey... At least you're taking biology and not math, right?

Sincerely,
Girl who can turn her head sideways...

Dear Snot-Girl,

I was on the train yesterday when I noticed you. There wasn't anything particularly odd about you when I first noticed you. Until I realized what exactly you were doing.

Because, honestly, it's hard not to notice a girl talking on her cell phone with a finger sticking straight up her nose.

I averted my eyes at first, looking out the window, until out of the corner of my eye, I saw what you were doing once your finger left your nose. You continued talking on the phone, wiped your finger on the empty seat next to you, glanced down at your finger and then back in it went into your nose.

Which is disgusting. What if someone had done the same thing to the seat you were sitting in? Are you trying to spread germs? (Not that germs really need any help!) But it is just bad practice to pick your nose in public and then wipe it onto a surface that other people will touch. Have you heard of tissues? Or perhaps your own clothes that you will be wearing that are already exposed to all the pathogens that could be in your own mucous? Did you consider that?

Because, in case you haven't known, some people with comprised immune systems or chronic immune disorders are incredibly bad with common ailments that your immune system (or mine) could knock out in under a day. Some people with comprised immune systems can die from really common things, like a seasonal flu (or H1N1) or the common cold.

And, considering the statistics textbook and the school planner you were carrying, I'm guessing you were at least in 2nd year university.

Which means that you should know better. A lot better.

Sincerely,
Girl with better social skills

Dear Cheap Idiot,

So I was sitting near the back of the bus today, minding my own business when you and your friends started to talk. At first, the conversation (which was loud, by the way - I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I bet the bus driver could have heard your annoying giggling and chatter) was boring. Talks of grad dinner/dance, dresses, shoes. It's September, kids, you have a lot of time. Then you moved onto your newest hobby.

Or rather, what your sister's friend's boyfriend (I think I got that right?) had for a new hobby: screenprinting. And you mentioned how he'd made your sister the "coolest shirt in the world" and how he had all this fancy equipment and inks and such. And.... "He'll totally make you guys shirts for like a buck. I'll give you guys his number, just call him up."

Really? Your sister receives a gift and you seem to feel as if it's a green light to pimp him out for $1 per shirt? Go do yourself a favour and look up how much screenprinting equipment runs for, how much the inks and catalyst and such cost, retail price. Please, go see that and then recant what you said and apologize to your sister's friend's boyfriend for being an idiot of epic proportions.

Also, please don't hatch up half-brained money-making schemes on public transit. It makes you and your friends look absolutely moronic. Considering you were going on about how you were going to ask your boyfriend's friend if he'd make you a website for "like, a dollar an hour, probably" and how you were going to sell those 'super cheap' screenprinted shirts for "at least" $30/each.

If your sister's friend's boyfriend and your boyfriend's friend are stupid enough to actually give in to your demands, you're incredibly lucky. But, since chances are they won't be so easy to let you walk all over them in favour of monetary gain... Go get a paper route or a part time or something instead of using others.

Sincerely,
Annoyed

Dear Smelly, Space Invader ,

This morning I was on my way from school to the crafts store (I ran out of materials, yet again). I took an unfamiliar bus that, thankfully, the bus driver could tell me exactly which stop I wanted to get off on and in which direction to walk in order to get to my destination - the driver even took the time to tell me how to get to the nearest train station, how nice! But I sat down at the beginning of the bus route and you got on maybe about fifteen minutes later. Perhaps it's because you didn't feel like walking all the way to the back of the bus, or perhaps it's because there was an empty seat next to me and I'm a fairly small person so you thought you could just take up the space, and then some.

Either way, you ended up sitting next to me. You grunted hello at me before you pulled out today's paper to read. And it wasn't even one of those small freebie papers that you get at train stations (I get those for the Soduku puzzles and local news), no, it had to be one of those national papers that has sections A to E and takes up about a metre of space.

Which placed your hand neatly right in front of my face.

And do I even need to comment on your personal hygiene? Because, forgive me, it seems like it would be common sense to bathe either once in a while or at the very least go for a flea dip before going onto public transit and taking up more space that one ought to be allowed.

When I asked you to move your hand/arm from the general area in front of my face, you just rolled your eyes and muttered something about "little girls not knowing their place" and how "no one respects their elders anymore".

Well, sir, perhaps if you appeared to be elderly, I would have been a bit nicer. But really, you looked at most to be early 40s. Plus you were rude and invading my personal space.

So no, mister, I don't think I will be very 'respectful' to you.

Sincerely,
Little girl, who does know her place

Dear Woman with Books,

When you accidentally hit someone with your bag full of books, it is customary in this country (Canada) to apologize to said person and then, perhaps, sit down (since there were available seats on the bus). It is not, however, polite (or legal...) to look at the person who said 'ouch' when you first hit them (that person being me) and then giving them a look of disgust while you go "That didn't hurt!" and then proceed to swing your bag (full of books) back at that person, that you had already hit once, right in the ribs.

Let's have a lesson today from the Criminal Code of Canada:

(1) A person commits an assault when
(a) without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person, directly or indirectly;
(b) he attempts or threatens, by an act or a gesture, to apply force to another person, if he has, or causes that other person to believe on reasonable grounds that he has, present ability to effect his purpose; or
(c) while openly wearing or carrying a weapon or an imitation thereof, he accosts or impedes another person or begs.

And next time you want to hit someone with something, don't do it on a bus with witnesses and a bus driver who asks the person being hit if they want to call the police. It's not particularly very smart.

At least you had the intelligence to run. I really wouldn't have had an issue with the first hit (the unintentional one) if you had at least the manners to apologize for it. I wasn't asking for a gold engraved plaque stating your apologies, just a simple "sorry" would have done.

Sincerely,
Girl with the bruises

Dear the Boy that Darwin would have loved,

I've been having a decent week so far. Lots of snow coupled with slow transit service. I'm back at school and there's ice everywhere and unpaved sidewalks.

And I have a very short complaint today.

If you're on a bus that's quiet at 6am and no one is saying a thing and the only thing to be heard is the bus going through slush, you really shouldn't be speaking so loudly on your cell phone to your friend about how your mom just made up a new batch of meth and how you were going to go score some E and maybe some roofies for your girlfriend after second period because some teacher wasn't ever going to realize that you never showed up for biology and the girlfriend still wasn't giving it up. You don't need to advertise your extracurricular activities to a somewhat full bus of people.

And maybe if you showed up for biology once in a while, you would know a little something about 'natural selection'. Charles Darwin would have loved you. You could have been the ultimate poster child for his theories to do with evolution and why some species die out.

Cheers,
Science Geek

P.S. Rape is rape is rape. Illegal in so many ways. Plus, if you're religious, you'll end up burning in hell. With fire. And brimstone. Or so they say. Or you'll get your just desserts when they try you as an adult for aggravated sexual assault.

Dear Prepubescent Jerk,

I encounter a lot of stupid people on public transit. I encounter a lot of creepy older men, a lot of moronic people who make me very happy that there's such a thing as Natural Selection. Very happy.

This morning, I got onto the bus and instead of sitting near the back of the bus like I normally do - I was sitting on the left side of the bus, completely minding my own business (trying to ignore and drown on the excessive giggler) and then suddenly the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road and got out of his seat and told you to haul your ass off of the bus.

I was a little confused and people kind of fell silent. And I removed the earphones to better hear what the bus driver was bitching about. Were you smoking on the bus? Visibly drinking alcohol?

And then I saw it.

Really, did you really have to jerk off on the bus? Because, to be perfectly honest, that's really rather disgusting considering it was rolling down the window next to where you were sitting. Rolling. Down. The. Fucking. Window.

I mean, kid, just go home and do it in your bedroom or in the bathroom. You don't need to do it on public transit. I mean, maybe it helps with the whole "Ooooh, what if I get caught?" scenario. But when you're jerking off in public and it gets all over the window, it's disgusting. And indecent. And you could have been charged with public indecency.

Go home and do it in the privacy of your own home next time. Mmkay?

And I'll be making a mental note never to sit near the front of the bus on the right hand side of the bus ever again (for that route, anyways).

Sincerely,
Disgusted

Dear The Navigational Challenged,

I spent my morning standing on the train today, it was good fun, until it reached the station where I get off. I wasn't impressed with the transit system today and I anticipated the train being overly crowded (I wasn't disappointed by that, at least) but then I was subjected to listening to you talk on the train, which was just not pleasant at all.

You were on your cell phone, talking to someone about how you were just 15 minutes away from the station where you needed to get off. Which is funny, because you were a) going in the opposite direction and b) you were approximately 40 minutes (and counting) away from the station.

Then as the trained slowed to a stop, it announced which station it was at and you were telling your friend that it was incorrect (I guess they heard it) and you knew exactly where you were going. Then you said that you had to go and looked up and around and then frowned and then leaned yourself over to the girl next to you (am I thankful I didn't snag that seat? A little, yes.) and asked her if this train took you to the station you wanted. Luckily she had a bit more skill with reading a simple map and informed you that you were going in the wrong direction.

You just shrugged and called your friend back, telling her or him that you'll be maybe 20 minutes instead. -buzzer sound- WRONG! Even if you transferred train lines, it'd still take you 40+ minutes to get there.

Perhaps next time, you really ought to just look up and check out the map?

Sincerely,
Girl who knows where she's going