Dear Little Old Lady,

This afternoon when I was very tired and I got onto the bus after the train to go home, you were in the line to get onto said bus in front of me with your friend. Both of you are probably considered to be senior citizens and you both had the paper bus passes to put into the ticket machine to verify that you had, in fact, paid for your transfers.

Your friend's ticket was fine, your's however had expired and you continued to walk towards a seat anyways. The bus driver called you back to tell you that your ticket was no good and that you would have to pay again, he had checked the time stamp on your transfer and it had expired over an hour ago. You just smiled and waved to him, shaking your head before you sat down.

A man in front of you was trying to explain it to you and you spoke to him as if he was an annoying pest. The bus driver told the man to explain to you that you needed to pay, but the man just shook his head and said that you were speaking Korean and that he spoke Chinese and therefore could not successfully communicate with you.

The woman sitting next to this man who had tried to explain that you needed to pay for another transfer went up to the bus driver with some change and offered to pay for your transfer for you and the bus driver thanked the woman, but declined her offer. According to him, and he had been driving that particular bus that starts off at the station at 3:20pm, that you had been coming onto the bus every single day for the last two weeks with an expired transfer.

He said very loudly that you were lucky this time and that the next time he was going to get nasty and call the transit cops on you.

You got off a few stops later and gave the bus driver this huge smile as if he had done some great favour for you and you were on your way with your half a dozen grocery bags.

If you had enough money to buy junk food (white translucent bags showed off your collection of cans of Pringles and plastic tubs of candy) you obviously could afford to pay less than $3 so you wouldn't have to walk the 4 blocks that you took the bus for.

Dear Mummy-Boy,

A while ago, I was on the bus whilst traveling from the campus to the train station, I remember hearing you standing there. You looked quite nice. You had on a neat blazer and dark jeans. You had on clean shoes and a backpack on your shoulder. And I remember overhearing your conversation that you were having on your cell phone.

"Hello Mom? Yeah, it's me. Happy birthday!"
-short pause-
"You remember Ashley, my girlfriend?"
-another short pause-
"Yeah, she got these results back from the doctor at the clinic..."
-very short pause-
"No, she's not pregnant, Mom!"
-short pause-
"She has gonorrhea.."
-very long pause-
"I'm going to get tested this weekend, Mom."
-very short pause-
"I love you, Mom. Happy birthday."

Thank you for providing entertainment to me for those seven minutes in which you were speaking to your mother and wishing her a happy birthday while informing her seemingly casually that you may or may not have a STD.

Things that you have to look forward to if you do have gonorrhea and if you don't get treated is pain while going to the washroom, assorted pus discharge and other infection to your nether regions.

Cheers!

Dear Fellow Transit Patrons,

This morning I had been running late. I wanted to go to my voluntary math lab tutorial so that I could complete the lab with knowledgeable TAs around and with a printer in the vicinity because I know that if I were to print it at home, I'd probably jam my printer - again.

So I was running late. The train was literally crawling for the last two stations it took to get to the one where I get off. I'm not just saying that it was a little slower than normal... See, at the regular train speed, the rails on the sides of the track are a blur and I can't even tell that there are bars there. Today, I could count the bars that made up the rails as well as see that someone had tossed something that resembled paint out of a window once and it coated the bars in some spots. That is how slow it was going.

Which is all fine and dandy because then I got off at the right train station and got onto a bus. I had an excellent spot to sit and then approximately twenty minutes later, that all went to hell. A woman getting off (or on..?) the bus collapsed, hit her head and went unconscious. So obviously the bus driver had to completely stop the bus and was calling for an ambulance. This is all very good, but I was sitting near the back and since it is an extra long bus, I couldn't see what was happening at the front. Until people started filing off of the bus. When I realize that most of the people were off of the bus by now, I stand up and file off as well, single-file just like in kindergarten. I notice people standing around and, since that particular stop was near a hospital, there was already a nurse there (I believe that she was on the bus on her way into work).

This will probably sound completely callous and horrible... But I really wish that I didn't have to get off that bus and then board another one (that barely had any standing room).

But... I'm glad that the bus driver and other fellow transit patrons took the initiative to make sure that the woman was alright... Because occasionally I'm just a little too selfish for my own good. But I did realize that I was definitely no longer having a 'bad day'. I hope the woman was right...

And to my fellow transit patrons, I understand why you all were cursing the woman for collapsing. But I am almost 100% positive that she did not collapse and go unconscious to ruin your day. It wasn't someone out to ruin your morning or make you late for your first lecture of the day. She was a woman who fell and then couldn't get back up again. I hope that if anything like that ever happens to me, there'd be people around willing to actually help me.

And yes, I was late for my drop-in tutorial session, but it was fine as I had the lab completed within 16 minutes anyways.

Dear Cheater-To-Be,

You were so charming, you gave me your phone number and asked me to call. I waited a few days and then I dialed that number. Carefully punching in the numbers, the phone range twice before a feminine voice answered. I asked for you and she said that you were in the shower, but could she take a message for me? I leave my name. And then she makes a mention of how her fiancee had never mentioned me before. Yes, so that was a rather rude awakening.

What kind of person are you that you charm a girl into thinking that you're into her, that you give her your phone number and then you're engaged, as in to be married? Do you understand the meaning of an exclusive relationship? Are you without intelligence and thought that rings don't count unless you have one on your finger as well, or would you continue to attempt to pick up girls on the train even though you have a fiancee or a wife at home waiting for you?

I didn't burst your bubble. I didn't tell her that I was the girl you had tried to pick up on the train. I was a little too shocked to do that. But the next time I see you...

I hope I don't see you again.

Dear Gorgeous ,

I met on the train yesterday and I know that you remember me. It had been raining hard yesterday morning and you somehow managed to snag a seat on the train while I had to stand near you. With a swift jerk of the train on the tracks, I stumbled backwards and your lap just happened to cushion my fall. You chuckled and gave me a smile and went "If you wanted to start talking to me that badly... All you had to was tell me."

I blushed and apologized quickly and started to stand up again when you told me that you were fine with me there, sitting on your lap like that. I stood up anyways and murmured my apology again. You introduced yourself and I introduced myself as well. You asked me if you could use a line on me ('Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?') because you were afraid that you would just never get to use that line again. I laughed and agreed and you asked me the question and I told you that it didn't hurt because you cushioned my fall. You chuckled warmly at that. At the next station, a seat near you opened up so I sat down and we started having a conversation in earnest.

You seemed interested in me and didn't seem to fight the urge to run away when you found out my age - seventeen. You were quick witted with your comments and wanted to know more about me, so I shared. You shared as well and when we got to a train station where you were going to get off to meet a friend, you asked me if you could give me your phone number. I agreed, and you ripped off the corner of a looseleaf piece of paper and scribbled down your first name and your phone number. I regret to inform you that I haven't called you yet.

Yesterday afternoon, I had fallen asleep on the bus going home and it arrived at the 'end of the line' and I was still sleeping. You saw me and woke me up by gently shaking my shoulder. When I woke up, you smiled down at me and told 'Sleeping Beauty' to wake up. I gave you a smile and got up, joining in the queue of people lining up to disembark the bus.

And today? Today I saw you again on the train coming home. You had a seat and I did not as I wasn't near the front of the pack of people hungry for seats. You asked me if I wanted to fall into your lap again and I told you that I was fine standing, you looked disappointed and confirmed it vocally as well. You asked me how my day was and I answered honestly, truthfully. You asked me if I had a boyfriend and I answered that honestly as well. No. You smiled at that answer and then continued chatting.

And then after a while, I noticed that you had stopped calling me 'Michelle' and started calling me 'Tink' instead. I questioned this usage of a nickname that had no meaning to me. you told me that Tink stood for Tinkerbelle and that I was small, pixie-like and flighty. I protested that I wasn't flighty and you just shook your head and went 'Flighty.. And pixie-like too.'

I suppose when compared you, I am small. Considering my height and your height of ~6 feet. I especially like your hair (dark brown) and eyes (brown). You have an infectious smile and it made me smile too. You are considerably good at brightening up a girl's day, you should know.

You should also know that all the compliments that you've been giving me are all going to go straight to my head.

Dear Chat-A-Lot,

There are just some things that people shouldn't talk about in public and on a bus full of people that they have never met before. This is particularly true if you are having a phone sex conversation with your significant other and can't seem to keep quiet about it.

Now I'm sure that you're a really nice woman. You seemed to be dressed nicely, what with your corporate businesswoman attire. The short black heels were obviously for comfortable as well as fashion, the black hose, the black shirt and the buttoned up blouse. You were very well put together. I almost thought that I was hearing things. Until I turned around and realized that yes indeed that all the phone sex talk was coming from you.

I mean, it was enough to have me turning red and you carried on the conversation as if you did it often on the bus (perhaps you do?). People around you (and myself) seemed quite uncomfortable with it though. There was a woman who was coughing loudly when you attempted to murmur the phrase 'Are you coming yet for me, baby?' as if to get your attention that you were, in fact, on public transit!

Obviously it is a good thing that you're comfortable in your relationship with your significant other that you can engage in a session of phone sex. But on the bus? I mean, all those things you were telling him to do (eg. 'Go pull the zipper down now babe, yeah.. That's it.. And put your hand there.. And just go slow...'). Whew... Was it hot on the bus today or was it just me?

And I do realize that you were attempting to murmur your directions to him, but the thing is, lady, that you were on a bus where there was the sounds of outside traffic and the bus' engine. You were not doing a very good job of murmuring at all! I'm sure that you thought that you were though. But you just weren't doing a very good job of it at all.

Maybe next time.. Just don't do it on the bus? (Yes, that was an intentional pun.) If you must engage in a phone sex conversation where you were giving your significant other directions of when they should be touching themselves and how hard they should be holding onto themselves, don't do it on public transit? Maybe wait until you get home. Or dash into a public washroom somewhere. Or even in an empty elevator! Just watch out for those that have security cameras, wouldn't want the security guard getting on you telling someone what to do with themselves.

But for all that effort you put into directing the man on the other half of the conversation, I hope he did eventually, you know, come.

Dear Happy Couple,

This morning at approximately 11:20am, I was on the bus on a rather busy street. This bus pulled to a stop at a bus stop (go figure) and I just happened to be glancing out the window as I was lucky enough to snag a window seat. Which is not that great, at the same time, since the windows are a little grimy and people rest their heads against it and it's just covered with bacteria and it's probably never been cleaned.

So, as I was recalling, I glanced out the window and saw the two of you together. At first it seemed innocent enough, the two of you were in an intimate embrace across the street in front of the window of a store. I thought it was innocent enough, at least. Until I noticed that there was something a little off. I couldn't put my finger on it at first. So I was just staring for a moment until it hit me. Between the two of you (and there were two people, trust me) there was only one set of legs! Now this didn't make sense to me at all. And then it hit me.

The two of you were having sexual intercourse in broad daylight! Well truthfully, it was a little gloomy what with the clouds and light rain... But still! You two were having sexual intercourse on the sidewalk in front of a store window. It amazed me at first, that the two of you were that comfortable with yourselves and each other to be doing that.

At which point I realized that I was staring so I looked away (definitely looked away).

But at the same time, I did admire the two of you. I mean, gosh, I wish I had the confidence to do that. Well, not really wish I would do that, but you get what I mean, right? It's just that air of confidence, being able to be that intimate with someone in such a public setting. I wouldn't be envious if you two had been charged with public indecency though. But still, I mean, at least the two of you are getting some.

That's a good reason to be a little envious, right?